Want to See my Eyes Shoot Flaming Darts of Fire?

The Rules
Want to see my eyes shoot flaming darts of fire?

Here’s what you should do.

Walk into my house, and, while reaching for my baby, look me in the eye and tell me you “just” washed your hands.

That’s a good one.  Especially if you  say it with a condescending tone, like, “Aww, sweetie.   I know you’re overly paranoid about your baby getting sick.  I’m here to tell you that I know a thing or two about germ control, and to prove it, I washed my hands an hour ago.”

Har har har har har.

He he he he he.

Ho ho ho ho ho.

Ah ha ha ha ha.  LMFAO.  [Note sarcasm here.]

So, h1n1 carrier, you “just” washed your hands then?  Allow me to “just” give you a brief lesson that “just” about every dim-witted monkey knows about germ control.  

Germs live on surfaces.  They live there, and when you touch those surfaces, you spread those germs. 

Any questions?  Here:  allow me to elaborate.

After you “just” washed your hands, you “just” handled your car keys, “just” caressed your cell phone, “just” clutched your purse, “just” fondled your car door handle, “just” grasped your steering wheel, “just” picked your nose, and then “just” grabbed my front door knob. 

So “just” back the F away from my child until you can “just” convince me you are working with a full deck. 

[Deep breath.]  Ok–now I’m a little concerned that any friend who reads this post will subsequently be afraid to come near my baby.   Let me be clear:  it’s not necessarily the exposure to germs that makes me want to light the cannons.  It’s the audacity of the comment itself:  the condescending tone, the complete lack of logic, and the implicit disrespect.  It says, “I know you want me to wash my hands.  But I don’t feel like it.  Now hand me your kid.” 

(Just to be clear. )

But while I’m venting, I’d like to add three more rules to the List of Things That I Thought Were Obvious But Apparently Are Not.  Please:

  1. Do not allow my child to suck on your nose
  2. Do not allow my child to stick his hands in your mouth or nose
  3. Do not allow my child to chew on your cell phone, your sneakers, or your car keys.

I try to play it cool.  I would love for people to think of me as one of those C3 moms:  Cool, Calm and Collected.   I try to pretend I am C3.

But I have to say–this stuff really gets my goat.

Dahlings, I’m not trying to live in a bubble over here.  I know all babies get sick.  Sometimes it’s not preventable.  But sometimes it is.

All I’m trying to say is that if Punga has another week of explosive diarrhea, bronchiolitis and double ear infections, I want it to be because he licked every instrument in his music class, and not because some lazy misguided belittler swooped in, cuddled him with filthy hands and then left.

Just sayin.

Lessons for the Diaper Bag  (LFTDB):

  • Even when my babies have grown big and tall, I resolve to always remember the fierce protectiveness I felt as a new parent.   Any time I encounter a baby, I will thoroughly wash my hands within site of the new parents before touching the baby.  I will do this out of respect for the baby and for the new parents, even if the parents seem C3.
  • If I feel it’s best that somebody wash their hands before holding Punga, I need to ask them to do so, without feeling guilty about it.  No matter how many times I’ve asked them before.   He cannot speak for himself; that’s my job. 


 Do you feel concerned about germ control too?  When did you start feeling more relaxed about it?


5 responses to “Want to See my Eyes Shoot Flaming Darts of Fire?

  1. Oh, SO AGREE. The washing needs to be done IN SIGHT, and AT THE MOMENT—not “in theory” and “before driving over.” Extra points for not even COMMENTING on it while doing it, just doing it as if OF COURSE it needs to be done, AUTOMATICALLY.

  2. Thank you so much for the feedback, Swistle! It’s a relief to hear that I’m not the only one!

  3. Love this post MG – so true & what a hoot!

  4. Love it! Here is a similar topic for you… “If you are a stranger, DO NOT touch my baby or my pregnant belly. Capiche?”

  5. Dionne Baldwin

    Love this post and Amandas comment. 🙂 When did it become ok for a total stranger to touch a pregnant woman’s belly? Or my baby?

    My daughter is six and I still have my same views on germ control. Some things should be common sense but for those who come near my child I have no problem s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g it out.

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